whether life is a tornado or a rainbow depends in part on how one guides oneself
From Me to J: Life Guide
J and His Girlfriend
Not long ago, I had a conversation with a young man, J, 25 years old, for whom I functioned as a mentor whenever we talked. He asks me what I think about his relationship with his girlfriend. First I listen (very important) and then I try to give my thoughts without telling him what to think and do. I confine myself to stating my impressions while respecting his views and the fundamental truth that it is his life we are talking about (not mine). It is not my place to steer him into decisions, as if I know what is best for him. Instead, I indicate things we basically agree upon and apply them to his situation.
J is a smart young man but he is not always sure of the wisdom of his own wise thoughts. Like many young men, he is slow to move away from a relationship that isn't good for him because he is used to the other person and he still has a need for companionship, even when it is frustrating and he is aware that it isn't fully what he wants.
He is ambitious and determined to be a financial success in life. He is trying many things and working hard as he searches for ways to reach his goals. He knows a lot about what he wants and what he needs to do to make it. But J has a girlfriend who is strongly demanding attention to her own needs and she believes he should put her first, even at the expense of his career and his happiness, as proof that he loves her. J enjoys being close to her but he is doubting it all due to several positions she has taken.
J's girlfriend views him as selfish and especially, she is ready to start a family (she is approximately ten years older than him). He wants a family but wisely realizes that he is young and he should first be financially prepared. Until then, he wants to focus on watering the career seeds he has planted and expanding the work he performs independently as his own boss. This is the priority he has stated to me. She has other ideas, some of them very concerning, that indicate how much she does not see his life as of equal importance.
Her statement to J with the greatest impact was that after she had his child, she might not be in J's life and would raise the child alone by excluding him from knowledge of her whereabouts. This was astonishing to him. It appeared that his primary value to her was as a donor and he wasn't needed thereafter. She was fine with him never seeing his child in the future. As a result, there are times when they are in deep disagreement.
I relate to J and how he is struggling with doing what he believes he should do in life versus doing what is necessary for a relationship that he is not sure about. At his age, I also allowed myself to, more than once, put females ahead of myself at a critical time when independence was essential to the flexibility my career required. It delayed several goals and stopped me from advancing as fast as I could have. It also reduced the number of outside friends and connections I had when I devoted all my time and energy to my girlfriends. I behaved more like a much older, settled if not married man just when I should have been at the peak of youthful experimentation and high efforts in my work, which was more satisfactory to me. Ironically, although I wanted very badly an older male in my life who could provide perspective and advice when I was J's age, there was no such person.
Despite the overwhelming parallels, I wanted to be extremely careful not to excessively advise J. I believe that it is crucial for him to come to vital conclusions about his life directions on his own as much as possible. The input I provide must never instruct him or interfere with his own path which should emerge naturally. The road we must travel can be obscured with competing desires. It doesn't always appear before us very quickly but in time, it will.
Ultimately, during our conversations I tailored my statements to his specific situation in a modest way which I thought was best and what he needed. I gave him general advice which involved relationships but he wanted more. So I added in some additional reflections that I thought would be especially useful. It all boiled down to the following five rules which I told him was part of the Secrets of Life as I, an older person, learned over time.
1. Self-Trust and Independence.
Listen to yourself, trust that you know what makes you happy and what you need to do to be happy, then follow your own advice. If it doesn't feel right for you, then it isn't. Do not let others distract you away from your journey too much. Do not rely upon or impose sacrifices on others but do not let them willfully impose sacrifices on you. Do not allow others to use you for their own goals regardless of whether it is right for you as well. Be generous in your time and help others but do not allow others to waste your hard won resources. Remember that there are no shortcuts to success and there will be setbacks but they will pass. Experiencing self-reliance and independence for a period of time is important because you must first know how to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
2. Financial and Physical Health.
Live beneath your means, avoid loans except for education and housing, and never borrow more than what you absolutely need with a solid plan and ability to pay it back. Save money early and always, invest conservatively and do not succumb to the temptations of materialism or to vices that destroy your financial and physical health. Exercise and eat correctly during your entire life. Whatever you weighed at 21 to 25 years old, stay that weight forever and you will feel that same age forever. Never forget cost free blessings (sight, hearing, sound, touch and taste) as well as priceless joys of in life such as sunshine and nature, which sustain the soul and should not be taken for granted.
3. Vision.
Try not to be someone who reaches old age and looks back upon their life with regrets, i.e., wishing that they had done this or that. Instead, try to do what you really want to do. Even if you aren't always able to do everything you would like to do, you will do enough of it that you will feel fulfilled. Follow the visions you have for your life. Whether or not all your dreams occur exactly as you wanted, make sure that you tried to make some of them come true.
4. Relationships and Children.
When you are ready to get married, have children and live a more domesticated life, you will absolutely know it. Do not be in a hurry to please someone else, and put aside your own needs. Try not to make unreasonable demands. Avoid envy or jealousy in yourself or others. Set aside ego and do not dominate others (or let them dominate you). If you do so, you may regret it and it will be the cause of problems. The relationship will not last and the children will be caught in the middle. They deserve a fully committed mother and father, and a two parent home whenever possible. They will sense marital unhappiness and the possibility of divorce. They will be left with resentment or issues against one or both parents.
5. Acceptance, Safety and Respect.
Understand that nothing is perfect on earth, including you and everyone around you. Expect imperfections which will always appear everyday, everywhere. Accept others for who they are and require them to accept you but also be flexible, adaptable and considerate. Don't be too hard on yourself or on others. Anticipate danger and try to avoid it rather than be too quick to unnecessarily confront it for no reason other than pride and entitlement. Hold your temper and never let anyone destroy your life by making you overreact. Do not let emotions replace rational thought. Walk away from conflict that has no possibility of being productive and positive in the end. Be aware of your own safety and the safety of others. If something inside you says don't cross against traffic, then don't. Try never to seek revenge since the universe is the only one who can and will punish others for their mistakes (just as the universe will punish you for your mistakes). Always respect others and treat them you would like to be treated.
